The Ultimate Enya Interview:

UEI: Part 1
UEI: Part 2
UEI: Part 3
UEI: Part 4
UEI: Part 5
UEI: Part 6
UEI: Part 7
UEI: Part 8
UEI: Part 10

The Ultimate Enya Interview

Part 9

(While the above announcement and a few ads for Enya Unlimited are on, COT takes a moment to chat with the Show Producer.)

COT: YOU!! You told me she was a gentle, fuzzy, new-age chanteuse. This is more like Interview With A Vampire, except her teeth are shorter!


Reply author: dom
Replied on: 24 May 2002 13:15:10

E: He came as bicep rippling, muscle ripping HERCULES!

COT:You must've made quite a trio!

E: We are a trio! I forgot..Mush Mush came as a She-Wolf.

COT:Why as a she-wolf?

E: Roma wanted a Roman theme...you know..the she-wolf who nursed Remus and Romulus!

COT:Did people pay attention to the lot of you?

E: They liked us so much and paid us so much attention, we shopped for free!

COT:Don't be ridiculous!

E: Honest. The people paid us with so much attention that the money they threw out covered all our shopping bills with some extras to take care of our air fare and hotel bills!

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 25 May 2002 01:35:45

COT: We're all eagerly awaiting your next album. What will it be like?

E: When (not if) you buy it on CD, it will be a round slab of plastic about 5 inches across.

COT: That's not what I meant --

E: Or when (not if) you buy it on tape --

COT: I meant, what will the music be like?

E: Oh, I don't know. Probably 12 songs: 4 or 5 sung in English, 1 or 2 sung in Gaelic, 1 sung in Latin gibberish, and the rest instrumental, some with wordless vocalizing. About 45 minutes long, give or take.

COT: What will they be called?

E: How should I know? It takes me years to write anything; you know that!

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 25 May 2002 23:30:26

COT: So, what do your frenzied fans do in the meantime?

E: Well, they speculate about my private life (as if I HAD one!), post endlessly on the forum at enya. com, go into Enya-withdrawal, etc. It's very sad, really.

COT: Do you have any words of wisdom for them?

E: Like, get a life? No, really, I want them to keep pining away for me so they will each buy 30 copies of my next CD.

COT: Which will be called?

E: Huh! You can't fool me with that one again! I will NOT reveal that the next CD title will be "Five Years without Enya".

COT: I think you just DID that.

E: I did? Boy, will Roma be mad! She made me swear to secrecy. Sometimes, though, she just makes me swear.

COT: But you two appear to be the best of friends!

E: My mother Baba always said you can't judge a book by its cover.

COT: Meaning what?

E: I haven't a clue.

COT: That's become obvious. Enya, ARE you the weakest link?

E: Maybe the Missing Link?

COT: Well, you certainly are unique.

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 26 May 2002 01:44:51

E: Nicky says I am a warm, unique individual.

COT: Warm: not too hot. UniquE: a little odd.

E: Oh! I just had one of my profound thoughts!

COT: Well?

E: Did you know that if you toss an egg out the window, it sounds like a man shouting obscenities?

COT: Did you know that a hundred years ago, they used to put people like you in asylums?

E: No, I didn't!

COT: Surprise, surprise. So tell us a little more about your new album.

E: I've changed my mind. There will be no more albums.

COT: What!?

E: I've had it with the music industry. I'm going to be a game show host. Then I'll eventually get my own talk show.

COT: Will this be a trashy or respectable show?

E: I'm the host, Cyanide, what do you think?

COT: Like I said, trashy or respectable?

E: I want to counsel washed-out musicians.

COT: That's lovely! You want to help people?

E: No, I want to make fun of them and throw my money in their faces and tell them they're a bunch of losers.

COT: There we go, that's more your style.

E: It's time I showed people who's boss around here.

COT: Roma?

E: No, fool, ME. I think I'll do that VH1 divas concert.

COT: You consider yourself a diva?

E: I am the ultimate diva.

COT: You'd be willing to share a stage with the likes of Cher and Madonna?

E: Share the stage? I don't share anything, thank you very much. I will own that stage, or my name isn't Tom Jones!

COT: Your name isn't Tom Jones.

E: Of course it's not. It's Eithne.

COT: But you said...never mind. It's probably not worth it.

E: I'd like to give my forum fans a message.

COT: Right. Go on.

E: Since I've been kind enough to peek in on your dinky little forum, I have a request. Send me money or I'll shut down your forum.

COT: You're not very nice.

E: I am reality. Reality is not nice.

COT: You're probably breaking all your fans' hearts with your meanness.

E: Hearts were meant to be broken.

COT: Are you and Marvin the Alien Swede going through some tough times?

E: Ha! I left that ball of slime. Do you know he was two-timing me with his office chair?

COT: Are you kidding?

E: Absolutely not! I heard it straight from his desk lamp!

COT: You're disturbing.

E: So I went to Australia and got myself a buff, bronzy Aussie man and I couldn't be happier.

COT: Perhaps you're being a little too harsh with Marvin?

E: You haven't seen my Aussie, have you? *pulls out a picture* Look at that!

COT: WHOO-HOO! Has he got any brothers?

E: Nope. There's only one of him, and he's mine.

COT: That's it, I'm packing up and moving to Australia.

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 26 May 2002 05:37:38

E: Sydney?

COT: Why not, it's a great city.

E: No, it's the name of another Aussie Hunk. He wrestles crocodiles; in fact, he's the one who put some in my moat.

COT: Why must you be so reclusive and secretive?

E: Reclusive? Me? Heck, I party all night, every night.

COT: With U2?

E: Me too what?

COT: Bono's group, silly. He's your neighbour after all.

E: My place is bigger than his - na na na!

COT: Get back to your partying, please.

E: I party with the cats, you numbskull.

COT: What about "secretive"?

E: I party with cats, and few people can understand that - that's my secret; please don't tell.

COT: You just did tell!

E: Must be the full moon tonight; I'm under its spell.

COT: Oh, are you Wiccan?

E: Goodness, no! I'm a very GOOD girl, not wicked at all - well, maybe just a little. I love to torment everyone reading this on the forum!

COT: Are you very spiritual?

E: I talk to spirits every night.

COT: What kind of spirits, dare I ask?

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program with the news that Queen Elizabeth II is very upset that this lengthy interview with some Irish singer has now pre-empted 10 episodes of Coronation Street! If things don't improve, HRH has instructed the BBC to cancel In Your Face! She wants to be amused....

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 29 May 2002 04:08:35

MessagE:

(While the above announcement and a few ads for Enya Unlimited are on, COT takes a moment to chat with the Show Producer.)

COT: YOU!! You told me she was a gentle, fuzzy, new-age chanteuse. This is more like Interview With A Vampire, except her teeth are shorter!

SP: I'm sorry, boss. She seemed like such a nice girl. How was I to know she was really a psycho?

COT: I'm running out of questions. Do you think you can end this madness somehow?

SP: Hmm, maybe we could accidentally shut off all the power in the building; I think that's about what it would take.

E: (Interrupting) Hey, Cyanide! Coffee break is over; back on your head!

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 29 May 2002 18:44:14

(COT returns to the stage to find Enya digging in her purse.)

COT: Well, here we are again. What are you doing, Enya?

E: Looking for a bagel to put in the toaster; do you have any cream cheese?

COT: Enya, we back ON AIR!

E: Oh! Let's get down to business then! Ask me another really imaginative question.

COT: OK, who is your role model? Your Mother? Maire?

E: Actually, it USED to be Sister Agnes. She taught me at school and urged me to pursue a career.

COT: As a musician?

E: No, as Daffy Duck at Disneyland. That's why she USED to be my role model.

COT: So, who is your role model now?

E: Besides from moi? Well, I guess saying that would make me seem conceited, so I'll tell you that my role model is (whispers in COT's ear).

COT: No! You can't be serious!

E: Sirius is my favourite star, next to my role model, of course.

COT: Are you willing to tell the world who your role model is?

E: Sure, why not. Listen up, everyone, my role model is Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

COT: But why?

E: Because she's a very small, delicate looking lady (like me) who can kick *** real good.

COT: But her best friend is a witch!

E: Yep, that's Roma all right.

COT: And Buffy is an obsession of Spike the Vampire!

E: Yep, that's Nicky.

COT: And thin, Buffy is really thin. Do you know that some of your fans think you look fat, while others say you are skinny?

E: What do they know? For pete's sake I've been posting among them for ages and they haven't found me yet!

COT: You post on the forum at enya.com?

E: Of course I do. Here, I'll give you a scoop.

(Enya reaches into her purse and pulls out an ice cream scoop.)

E: Ooops, wrong kind of scoop - I meant a NEWS scoop. I'll tell you the name I use on line!

COT: Oh do!

E: I post there under the name of..........

THE BBC interrupts this program to present an address by HRM the Queen.

QE: Address? Buckingham Palace of course! Oh you mean my speech? OK,ahem, ahem, Philip and I now declare this ridiculous interview over! Who needs an Irish New Age star when I could be watching Coronation Street? And it IS my Golden Jubillee year - so I get what I want! Right Philip?

P: Yes, Betty dearest.

QE: Right Charles?

C: Yes, Your Royal Mummy dearest.

QE: Begin Coronation Street now!

FADE TO BLACK: THE END!

 

Reply author: dom
Replied on: 31 May 2002 17:19:56

(Queen E thinks she has won but in the background.... you can hear strains of Enya singing!)

End credits echo with this lyrical mangling which was picked up by Enya after she overheard Dom of the Web's warbling!

let me post, let me post , let my good sense row

let me preach, on the breach, of every sanity

from a peep to a peep

by the blip of the net

from a verse to obverse

far beyond calamity

Multivocal counterpoint: Hmmph! They never believe that I post at MY OWN *Official* Non Bootlegged non bootlaced Website! Hmmph! Hmmph!

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 01 Jun 2002 14:23:44

NO ANIMALS were harmed in the course of this production; they may have been insulted, but not harmed.

(Please forgive me, kerrykait's kittykat!)

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 01 Jun 2002 17:10:55

The studio is dark and empty; the janitor has come and gone. But a disembodied voice rings out:

"HEY! I didn't say we were done!!"

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 02 Jun 2002 00:48:06

ScenE: the TV room at Buckingham Palace. QEII is watching Coronation Street. Prince Philip rushes in:

PP: Betty dearest, you must stop watching TV! We have a crisis -something that might end the Monarchy!!

QE: Oh, did Charles fall off his polo pony again?

PP: No, dearest, it's much worse. There is an ogre approaching,a fearsome creature with evil in mind; we must take action.

QE: WHO, Philip? Another Irish singer? Sinead maybe?

PP: Much worsE: it's CAMILLA!

QE hurls her purse through the TV and rushes off to battle.

THE BBC interrupts Coronation Street to report a crisis of some sort;Mr. Blair will address the nation as soon as his finds his shorts.Meanwhile, with nothing better to watch, we return to "In Your Face,"starring the dumbest link, Cyanide O'Toole.

COT: Oh my, what happened? Are we back on air? Yes? I'd better put my shoes back on. Do I still have to interview this horrid...

(Realizing she is on air:)

COT: Dear friends, welcome back to our interview with the ever adorable Enya!

E: Did we go away? I stayed right here and watched Coronation Street. Baba used to watch it in Gweedore until she got cable; now she just watches the cable.

COT: Well, dear, let's continue our wity exchange of bon mots, shall we?

E: No, you can't HAVE any of my bon bons -they're in my purse and will stay there until I get hungary!

COT: Don't you mean hungry?

E: NO, I want all of Hungary right now! Then throw in Slovakia while we're at it.

COT: But you already own the world!

E: Right, I keep forgetting these details. Well, what shall we talk about?

COT: Do you exercise to keep your weight down?

E: Down where?

COT: I mean, to keep slim!

E: I don't know anyone named Slim, but I once met a cowboy named Vaquero.

COT: Funny you should say that, we have an email from someone with that unusual name. Vaquero wants to know if you like Australian kelties.

E: With or without catsup? It matters, you know.

COT: Enya, Australian kelties are dogs!

E: I never eat dogs; the cats would not like my having doggy breath.

COT: ENYA! Do you work out??

E: Work out where? In the studio?

COT: In the gym!

E: Jim who? Cyanide, you are really confusing me. I'd better eat a bon bon now.

(Enya takes a bon bon from her purse and places it in the toaster from Bart's

wedding.)

COT: Why on earth are you toasting a bon bon?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 02 Jun 2002 17:19:35

E: Because I ran out of toast. Now ask me something good, fool.

COT: How about this onE: Have you ever been in a store when your music

came on the radio?

E: Oh goodness! I had an experience like that just recently! I was in a department store buying some unmentionables when "Only Time" started to play. Everyone was staring at me, so I began backing away. Wouldn't you know it, I tripped and fell!

COT: That's horrible! What did you do?

E: I was picking myself up off the floor when these two gorgeous lads started racing over to the scene. I dropped my unmentionables and fled. As I was running through the store, they kept up behind me waving my purchases in the air shouting, "Miss, miss, I think you've dropped

something!"

COT: *laughing hysterically* Serves you right for all you've done to me!

E: *frowning* I didn't think it was very funny.

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 02 Jun 2002 19:12:09

COT: How about telling us about Bart's wedding?

E: It was swell, even though it took five years to bring it off properly.

COT: Five years?

E: Well, you see, I made the fruitcake.

COT: Fruitcake? You? Well, why not!

E: It was a family recipE: take 20 kilometres of flour, 10 litres of dried fruit, 40 magnums (plural - magna) of Guinness, add a bit of this and that, then bake at 700 thermometers for five years.

COT: Enya, does "slowness" run in the family?

E: Not really, Mom and Dad worked real fast at their family! It's just us offspring that take our time. Perfection takes time, just look at me!

COT: I'm trying hard not to. That recipe just gave me a tummy ache.

E: Then you'll want to try "Enyaroll-Aids" --sold in North America as "Enyatums."

COT: The wedding, please!!

E: Well, first we had to get Baba away from the cable - see still stares at it day and night. It was better when she was watching TV. Then we had to find Daddy, who was testing the spirits for suitability - well, that's what he said anyway. Then all of us Brennan sisters rehearsed our wedding song - that took five years too, by the way. We had a real tussle over who would sing lead. Maire insisted as usual, but Olive held out a branch and whacked her on the head. Bridin hit a high note, while Deirdre swept up the broken glass. So I ended up singing lead.

COT: And how did it go?

E: Well, Baba said it sounded like a cat in heat, whatever that means. And then the strangest thing happened...

COT: DO TELL!

E: Stop shouting, I'm not deaf! Look, I had to go to the little ladies room, the one for vertically challenged people. While doing my thing in there, this weird woman came in wanting to take a picture of me. In the loo, for heaven's sake! But I refused because there was no water in the loo, and I had to go back to the family outhouse instead. She followed me,screaming I must have a photo and a hug! Really gave me a fright.

COT: And then?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 02 Jun 2002 20:37:56

E: I was a good sport. I gave her what she wanted. But in the loo! I mean, really! What if I would've had a stomach ache or something?

COT: I imagine that would have been another embarrassing moment.

E: You're darn right!

COT: So how was the rest of the wedding?

E: It was going along quite well until it came time to cut the cake.

COT: Poor quality?

E: No, that wasn't it at all. Bart went at it with the chopping knife and the cake started screaming! Come to find out that one of my crazy fans had hidden in the cake!

COT: Who was it?

E: Some nutcase named Kerry.

COT: I've heard of her. Isn't she the one who started this whole interview mess?

E: She is indeed. Remind me to thank her.

COT: Remind me to hurt her.

E: Now now, Cyanide. She's not the only crazy one. Rumor has it that Princess Donegal is plotting out another way for forum members to waste their time.

COT: Like what?

E: We shall have to see...

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 03 Jun 2002 00:31:48

ANNOUNCER: The producer of this program wishes to state emphatically that Kerry is not a nutcase, and has never hidden in a cake (well, except during prom night, but that's another

story). She is, however, a Brennan and, due to this unfortunate twist of fate, is often mistaken for Enya (oh yeah, like really). Unfortunately she has no talent at all, but is NOT a nutcase (just ask her doctors!).

And now back to our program:

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 03 Jun 2002 03:20:55

COT: Speaking of nuts, isn't that a bag of peanuts you're holding now?

E: How perceptive of you! Yes, I stole them from Bart's wedding. I snuck then out in the bottom of this toaster, the one in my purse.

COT: But why?

E: For my latest Enya product (TM): you see, you take a chocolate bon bon (Enya removes one from her bottomless purse), place it in the toaster,with the nuts lying on the bottom, like this.

COT:(Aside) There are far too many nuts around here...

E: Then you make the toaster work - I think it's magic or something -heat the chocolate bon bon and it melts all over the nuts. See?

COT: And?

E: And you get melted chocolate-peanut candies! I call them "Enya's Homemade Nut Balls"! Would you like one?

COT: Not in this life.

E: Perhaps in your next one then?

COT: My next one???

E: Yes, when you're reincarnated as one of my cats!

COT: Enya, chocolate isn't good for cats!

E: Well, the former Princess of Donegal told me to feed it to my cats.

COT: I think what she meant was feed Kerry to your cats.

E: Kerry? Why would I feed a whole Irish county to my cats!

COT: Because you'd get a really big furball?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 03 Jun 2002 23:04:40

This is a public service announcement from kerrykait's kittykat: if you want this to avoid degenerating into another cat-unfriendly interview, please intervene to stop my human pet from such malignment!!!

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 03 Jun 2002 23:35:52

MessagE:

E: But enough about cats. Let's talk about me!

COT: Fair enough. [To herself] What haven't I asked her yet? [To Eithne] I understand you used to have a Spanish boyfriend. What happened to him?

E: I once had a boy, or should I say, he once had me. He showed me his room. It wasn't good; Norwegian wood.

COT: What's wrong with Norwegian wood?

E: It's too cold. Anyway, I met Pedro at some party or other. He taught me some Spanish, and inspired Roma and me to write "La Sonadora".

COT: I always wondered about that. It's the only song you ever did in Spanish.

E: I wondered about it too. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But then I found out I'd been pronouncing all the words all wrong, so I dumped him.

COT: And then you wrote "One by one" about the breakup?

E: No, that was about somebody else ...

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 04 Jun 2002 00:20:09

COT: Who???

E: Cyanide, go easy on those question marks. You're making me very nervous!!!

COT: OK, I'll quit with the ??? if you quit with the !!!.

E: Ok, it's about Ricky Martin. Boy, can he shake a bon bon!!!! Oops. forgot about the conservation of !!!.

COT: Enya, do you mean to tell me that you and Ricky had an affair?

E: No, Lucy and Ricky had an affair - it was a long time ago.

COT: No, Ricky Martin!

E: Why doesn't he have a last name?

COT: Because you don't?

E: I don't what?

COT: Enya, who is your current amour?

E: I keep the armor in the castle keep.

COT (Humming: I once had a guest, or should I say, she once had me..)

E: That melody seems familiar. Did I write it?

COT: No, it's a Lennon/McCartney song, silly.

E: I didn't know Lenin wrote songs! I just thought he was some kind of dictator.

COT: Enya, why are you avoiding this subject?

E: Probably because it's none of your business, you toad.

COT: Well, I never...

E: Yeah, looking at you I would believe that!

COT: Ahem, Enya, let's change the topic. You DID promise me, before the show was squished by HRM, that you would give me a scoop.

E: I did?

COT: You promised to tell me what name you used when posting on the forum at enya.com!

E: I did?

COT: Are you doing that layering thing again?

E: I did.

COT: Enya, answer the question!!!!!

E: Uh uh, you used too many !!!!

COT: Sorry, but I do that when I get excited.

E: Well, I can't tell you what name I use because it's one of a kind.

COT: It's one of a kind?

E: Yes, it's one of a kind.

COT: Is there an echo in here?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 05 Jun 2002 13:53:02

E: No, just me.

COT: So you're on as oneofakind?

E: Absolutely not! I just meant that there is only one person with my member name.

COT: Of course, the forum won't let anyone have the same name.

E: I know that, you idiot! I programmed the forum!

COT: So come on, Enya, tell us your forum name!

E: No.

COT: You said you'd give me the scoop!

E: I lied. I lie frequently, so get used to it.

COT: How about a hint?

E: Sail away, sail away, sail away.

COT: I asked for a hint, not song lyrics!

E: And I want dictatorship of the world. We don't always get what we want.

COT: But you have dictatorship of the world!

E: Now you're just being picky. There's lots of things I don't have.

COT: Like what? Brain cells? Common sense? A social life?

E: The Mona Lisa.

COT: You will never cease to amaze me. So are you going to Paris to steal it?

E: No silly, it's in Donegal. I already stole it once, but I made the mistake of wrapping it up in place of the Picaso and giving it to my brother for his wedding gift.

COT: So your brother has it?

E: Yes.

COT: You seem to have a bad habit of stealing from family members.

E: Which reminds me... *piece of bread pops out of toaster* Got any butter, Cyanide?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 05 Jun 2002 14:38:49

COT: Enya, let's try something elsE: are you really an art collector?

E: Oh yes, I LOVE paintings, especially paintings of me. Did you know that Leonardo used me as the model for the Mona Lisa?

COT: Da Vinci used YOU?

E: No, the Leonardo from Titanic - old what's his name. Sounds like "cat".

COT: Have you any training in art?

E: Well, I did study once with Sister Wendy.

COT: With whom?

E: Stop flaunting your grammatical skills!! (Ooops!!!). Sister Wendy has her own TV show in North America. She's a nun who is also an art historian - she multitasks, I guess. Like me. Anyway, she has this show and she studies a painting and enthuses over it, often adding Freudian overtones. I really liked it, so I bought her and installed her in my castle.

COT: You bought a nun?

E: Nunthing to it, really.

COT: And you studied under her?

E: No, I'm always on top of things.

COT: Enya, please, do you have a favourite artist?

E: Besides moi?

COT: One who paints!

E: But I paint the sky with stars!

COT: Some other painter then? Someone whose work you admire?

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 06 Jun 2002 04:22:21

E: I'm the greatest thing that ever happend to Maxfield Parish. Thanks to my posing like one of his paintings for the TMOT cover, millions of people have rediscovered him. I also like George Seurat.

COT: What's your favorite painting of his?

E: "Sunday on the island of la grande Jatte". That's me, in the front, on the right. Ugly outfit, though.

COT: You didn't live in Paris in the 1880s!

E: It was in a previous life. People are always telling me to get a life. But I've several already!

COT: What are some of the past lives you've had?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 06 Jun 2002 18:01:09

E: Gosh, there were so many! Would it matter if I told you about mypast female lives, males lives and cat lives?

COT: YOU were a cat???

E: Easy on those ??? now. Besides I wasn't just ANY old cat, I was special, just like I am now. Some things never change, do they?

COT: Hmmm.. ok, I'll bite...

E: No, I do the biting!! (Ooops!!)

COT: What CAT were you then?

E: In Egypt, thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped. But I was the supreme cat being, companion of Pharoah and the royal gang. Much better than Queen Betty's corgies!

COT: You were a divine Egyptian cat?

E: And I'm still divine, aren't I?

COT: If you insist. What other lives have you had?

E: Well, I was once Pythagoras, the famous Greek philosopher and mystic, discoverer of the mathematical relationships in music.

COT: Enya, you really DO amaze me!

E: I was the founder of musical therapy, only we didn't do it in elevators then.

COT: That was back when life had fewer ups and downs!

E: Cyanide, was that a joke?

COT: You just inspire me so much at times!