The Ultimate Enya Interview:

UEI: Part 1
UEI: Part 2
UEI: Part 3
UEI: Part 4
UEI: Part 6
UEI: Part 7
UEI: Part 8
UEI: Part 9
UEI: Part 10

The Ultimate Enya Interview

Part 5

COT: Enya, if this were the last day of the planet Earth, what would you do?

E: Go shopping.

COT: But why?

E: I don't own everything YET. One must have a goal in life, after all.


Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 29 Apr 2002 20:42:04

E: Well, I get out of bed.

COT: Let's assume that part.

E: Then I ask one of my 1,000 servants to get me breakfast.

COT: And what do you like?

E: Donegal Porridge, with just a hint of cat.

COT: You mean that you SHARE your porridge with the cats?

E: No, that's not what I meant. But who cares? Then I select my "disguise of the day".

COT: Excuse me.

E: Why? Are you leaving?

COT: Wish I could, but I have this contract!

E: Yeah, tell me about them!

COT: And after selecting your disguise du jour?

E: Cyanide, I didn't know you spoke Gaelic.

COT: That was French, you idiot! And a moment ago I thought you were intelligent.

E: That was only when the spirit of Donegal, Warrior Princess, briefly took over my body.

COT: So, now your in disguise, what do you do next?

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 30 Apr 2002 01:54:45

E: I take care of business (Launches into "Taking care of business" by Bachman Turner Overdrive)

COT: Wow! You totally rock!

E: Of course I totally rock! But rockers are 10p the dozen. There's only one ENYA, and don't you forget it!

COT: What sort of business?

E: None of your business! *cackles* Paperwork: contract stuff, promo tour details, endorsing royalty checks -- lots and LOTS of royalty checks!!! And then there's the fan mail, at least the stuff Roma allows me to see.

COT: What's the strangest piece of fan mail you ever recieved?

E: Well, last year for my birthday a group of online fans sent me a book they compiled ... now what was it like? ...


Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 30 Apr 2002 03:52:31

COT: Tell me about this book, Enya.

E: I've got a lot of crazed fans who will do anything in their power to win my favor. They worked many long months on that book, pouring out their hearts and souls to a virtual stranger. In hopes that I might read it...

COT: Did you?

E: Leafed through the bloody thing, but I got a paper cut on page twelve and I decided to call it quits. They're sending me another this year. I suppose I'll read that one.

COT: You just said your fans meant the world to you! Now you're telling me you wouldn't read the book because of a paper cut?

E: Guess so. My, but can't I be cruel?

COT: That's beyond cruel, that's absolutely ruthless!

E: I know. I have a ruthless side, too.

COT: So I've noticed. You've got quite a wide variety of moods, lady. Perhaps you should consider professional help.

E: Nonesense, Cyanide. Don't your moods change?

COT: Not quite like yours.

E: And Cyanide, there's something I've been meaning to tell you...

COT: Yes, Enya?

E: I think... I think...

COT: Yes, yes?

E: I think I backed into your car on my way in this morning.

COT: *putting her head in her hands* How ironic.

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 30 Apr 2002 14:53:03

E: Don't worry, I'll buy you a limo. Would you like a Jacuzzi in it?

COT: Are you serious?

E: Only Time will tell, but here comes a VERY Wild Child.....

(ROMA RYAN rushes by on stage, holding a hatchet and yelling "I'm still after you nutcases.")

COT: My oh my, does she really use that hatchet?

E: Sure - remember that lovely song I sang for you earlier?

COT: Yes, Fallen Embers.

E: Well, its orginal title was Fallen MEMBERS, and Roma took her hatchet and called Nicky and then...

COT: Enya. we don't really want to go there!

E: Neither did Nicky.

COT: Enya, you often talk about the importance of going back to Gweedore, to inspire you. Is this true?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 01 May 2002 00:46:40

E: No. Yes. Maybe. In between somewhere.

COT: Could you expound on that a little more, please?

E: Gweedore's a small place, you know. Dore's even smaller. Everybody knows everybody else's business, so inspiration is never very far away.

COT: What do the people back home think of you?

E: My family likes me.

COT: Of course they like you! They have to like you! I'm talking about the other members of the community.

E: They think I'm a little strange...

COT: I'm glad somebody else sees it.

E: I was home just the other day walking through town when I saw an old friend of my mother's out with her cat. When she saw me, she got quite a horrified look on her face, picked up the cat, and ran away muttering very hurtful things.

COT: Did you attempt to consume the feline, Enya?

E: *looking down* Well, it was past lunchtime. My tummy was rumbling. I couldn't help it...

COT: *leaning forward with a sick fascination* So, did you do it?

E: *sighs* I did. But I left the kitty alone.

COT: You - you don't mean you...? *gulps* Oh goodness, I think I need a few more of those pills right about now.

E: But enough about me, Cyanide, let's talk about you. Tell me about your first date.

COT: His name was George. I was fourteen and he took me to a movie and then we had pizza. He was - hey, wait a minute! Who's giving the interview here? Why don't you tell us about your first date, Enya?

E: His name was Frankie. *giggling* He was a hottie.

COT: A "hottie"?

E: Oh yes, a real, live, hottie.

COT: How old were you?

E: I think I was around 15. I bumped into him one day, literally. After his broken nose healed, he told me there were no hard feelings and asked if I'd like to go for a little walk with him. It was so romantic! *more giggles* I'm a helpless romantic, you know. We sat out under the stars and talked about everything - until my curfew at 7:30, that is.

COT: *making girlie "awww!" sounds* That's so sweet, Enya! Have you got a boyfriend now?

E: I'm planing my next move. It's sort of like chess.

COT: I don't follow.

E: Neither does he...yet.

COT: Is he cute?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 01 May 2002 02:08:20

E: Well, you know Brad Pitt?

COT: Mmmm, yes!

E: He's not at all like him; he's more like, hmmmm, Bono.

COT: O! Enya, you and Bono??

E: No, silly, he just LOOKS like Bono; he's a very finiscky accountant who keeps track of all my euros.

COT: So, he's european?

E: Your daft, he's (wink, wink) an alien from another planet.

COT: ET is your boyfriend??

E: No, and neither is Mork. There are lots of planets, you know.

COT: What planet is he from then?

E: Can you keep a secret?

COT: Enya, this is being broadcast world-wide as we speak!

E: Is that a no?

COT: Look, who IS this alien boyfriend-accountant whatever?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 01 May 2002 03:28:41

E: He's a Swede.

COT: I thought you said he was an alien.

E: To me, that's alien.

COT: So he's a Swede that looks like Bono?

E: Not quite. He doesn't wear those dark glasses like Bono does. He's got lovely eyes! * staring dreamily at the ceiling* I could stare into those eyes all day long!

COT: Can you give us his name?

E: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.

COT: How about the first letter of his name?

E: Marvin. The first letter is Marvin.

COT: That's not a letter, Enya.

E: It is now that I purchased the alphabet.

COT: You can't keep doing things like that!

E: I'm Enya. I can do whatever I want. Do I have to put you under hypnosis again, Cyanide?

COT: None of that. Please be civilized. Now, how long have you two lovebirds been together?

E: Eleventy weeks.

COT: You bought the rights to numbers too, didn't you?

E: I did.

COT: *sighing* Fine. Eleventy weeks. How about we try this another way? Why don't you ask yourself a question and then answer it?

E: Splendid! *ahem* Oh wise, beautiful, supreme excellency known only as Eithne Ni Bhraonain -

COT: I think I'm going to vomit!

E: Quiet, Cyanide, can't you see I'm in the middle of something? As I was saying: Oh wise, beautiful, supreme excellency known only as Eithne Ni Bhraonain, your faithful and humble servants wish to know the details of your daily routine in the studio. *switching voices* Really? That's too bad.

COT: You can't even answer your own question! What is this, Celebrity Jeopardy?

E: If I reveal everything, nothing is left to the imagination, Cyanide! Allow me to draw a parallel.

COT: Go ahead. I already hate you.

E: Thank you. Now, remember that story I told earlier about my dealings with the Secret Sauce Man?

*cue flashback*

One day, I was walking down the street when a funny little man came up to me and said something about "Would I like to try a sample?" and I said, "Sure, little man!" so he gave me this toothpick with a piece of chicken on the end with special sauce, and I said to him, "Oh, is this special sauce?" and he said "Yes," and I said "Can you tell me what it is?" and he said "No," and I said "Why?" and he said "Because it's a secret," and I said "But I want to know!" and he said "But I can't tell you," and I said "Why not?" and he said "Be quiet and leave me alone," and I said, "But your secret sauce is very yummy!" and he said, "If you don't go away, I'm calling the cops and having you arrested for harassment!" and I said "Well look here, sir, but that isn't very nice," and he said "SECURITY!" and then I ate him and made off with the special sauce.

E: It's kind of like that. To the little Secret Sauce Peddler Man, his secret sauce was his world. It was his pride and joy, as well as his way of making an income. He loved that secret sauce with all his heart. And when I wanted the recipe, he felt violated. He did not want his secret to get out, because perhaps, in a small way, that sauce would be less "his." It's the same way with me and my music. Do you see?

COT: Enya, in an odd, sick, and somewhat disturbing sort of way, that was very lovely. It's beautiful that you care for your music that way.

E: That, and Nicky doesn't want some teenage pop sensation capitalizing off all his hard work. His ways are secret. I don't even know half of it...

COT: So nobody knows Nicky's secrets?

E: He used to tell his cat. *evil grin* But I put a stop to that.

COT: Tell us a little something about Nicky. Not much is known about the genius behind the technicalities.

 

Reply author: dom
Replied on: 01 May 2002 05:38:20

E: Of course, nobody has figured out his genius! Maybe if I purchase the rights for DNA testing I'll be able to commission the experts to run a DNA test and map his genes! My genes and Roma's genes too!

COT: How long do you think we'll have to wait for that?

E: I don't know how to count time in inches and centimeters.

COT: I meant years and months Enya.

E: I don't have the rights to years and months ....yet!

COT: Nicky lends a certain special treatment to your recording?

E: Yes, he lends a certain aura to them.

COT: Care to tell us how he does it?

E: Yes..he fixes a halo over my head while I sing to the microphone. That's not all: when I ask him how many times I should do a vocal over and over again he always has the best answers.

COT: Meaning that ..?

E: Meaning that the next time Roma phones up and tells him to get out of the studio for lunch means that we're halfway through that recording.

COT: Roma must have impeccable timing.

E: Yes..you should see how she hit the drums with her truncheon for the recording of Ebudae and Book Of Days. She's so underrated.

COT: I thought she writes the lyrics.

E: That's what we tell you on the record sleeves.

COT: What else does she do?

E: She tells me about her dreams.

COT: What are her dreams like?

E: Right now her biggest dream is to seek out the real nutters who write this story and she tells me that she has them all in her HIT LIST.

COT: Is this supposed to be a form of emotional release?

E: No..it's Romanish Revenge.

COT: Has she done this before?

E: Yes..in last year's birthday greetings list , she had compiled a HIT LIST but this time she found that there had been a few more additions to the line of usual suspects. She was amazed that the fans found out about her fondness for hatchets.

COT: Enya,I must interrupt you...

E: You've been interrupting me for the length of this interview.....

COT: We need a break

(In rushes Roma who wrecks COT's table with a chain saw. The lights go out in the studio and we hear muffled noises:A hack from a hatchet, a shout from Nicky, and Enya telling them all to watch where they're placing her.....it all sounds so surreal and COT accidentally steps on the trapdoor and goes AAAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE again.All this while the studio people were busy straining their ears to the proceedings. They had to use their ears because they couldn't see much of what was happening.

The lights came on again but this time there was no Enya, no COT or Roma. The shavings from the table was still on the floor but on stage was world famous Illusionist ...DAVID COPPERFIELD! David greeted the audience and announced that " Today has been a most tiring and challenging day for me. I had to switch Enya and her double trouble double all over the stage while an interview was going on.If you're wondering why Enya was acting strange today , it was because I had her switched and reswitched with her double trouble double all along. It was supposed to be smooth but somehow we got the conversation out of sync. Better Luck next time I guess. But I must say switching Enya and her double trouble double was easier than making a locomotive disappear!")

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 01 May 2002 16:19:14

A sudden flash of fire, and David Copperfield is turned into a toad.Enya and COT reappear, while Roma is seen chasing the toad with her hatchet.

COT: What happened?

E: This always happens to someone called The Lady of Mysteries.

COT: I take it that's you?

E: No, you can't take me. I belong to.... the cosmos!

COT: I thought the cosmos belonged to you.

E: What's the difference? I and the cosmos are ONE.

COT: So, now you're a Supreme Being?

E: I told you before, I was never a member of the Supremes! But I did like Martha and the Muffins.

COT: Enya, can we get down to business?

E: Well, that's when I need Marvin the Alien Swede. He takes care of my business.

COT: Forget about him!

E: OK, on to my next boyfried.

COT: Boyfried? Are men that disposable?

E: Ooops, Freudian slip. I meant boyfriend, of course. And yes, they are disposable, but taste awful when fried!

COT: Enya, if this were the last day of the planet Earth, what would you do?

E: Go shopping.

COT: But why?

E: I don't own everything YET. One must have a goal in life, after all.

COT: What's left to buy?

E: Well, Canada, for a start.

COT: You want to buy a large landmass of snow and ice?

E: That's only in July; you should see the place in winter!

COT: I still don't understand.

E: Well, you know those really cute Mounties, with those big hats and red coats?

COT: Yes, I've seen pictures of them.

E: Well, I want one posted by my castle gate.

COT: What else?

E: Well, I'd like to own Nova Scotia.

COT: Why?

Reply author: dom

Replied on: 01 May 2002 17:43:09

Before Enya ( or so we thought ) could answer, COT steps on a trapdoor and falls below stage again!

A flurry of curses and garbled speech could be heard below. The curtain closes and David Copperfield emerges from behind the curtain.

DC:I'm sorry people. I placed the wrong Enya just now. Having the real Enya and her double trouble double and trying to switch them is a tough job. Now I can't tell the difference myself. The only way is to place them on stage with COT and hear what she says!

Roma: DC, you've made quite a mess of things!

DC:Compared to what you did to the table, I think I was pretty mild.

Roma:Was that frog you? I almost spliced it.

DC:Everything's an illusion. Have you heard a frog that quacks? Roma:Indeed! The thing quacked while I was attempting to hack away.

DC:Your eyes saw a frog but that was really my pet duck, Webster!

Roma:I much prefer the OXFORD dictionary. Alright DC, we still have to straighten things out.

DC:I suppose you'll want Enya to speak.

Roma:Get COT out of the trapdoor.The space is only big enough for one but we now have both Enya and she in the same spot!

DC:Oh dear...

COT runs on stage, screaming "What was that frightful creature next to me in the trapdoorway?"

Roma: Watch your words...

COT: They're invisible.

Roma:That was Enya ....you ninny.

COT: That explained the strange language.

Roma:She obviously exclaimed in Gaelic.

COT: It was sounding like the melody from Tempus Vernum!

DC:Ladies..halt... we have a show to go....

Enya's double emerges halfway through the curtains and shoots COT again but this time with a water bazooka. Roma and David Copperfield ducked just in time, leaving a very drenched COT.

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 01 May 2002 20:45:13

Into this chaos steps the PRODUCER of the show, The Tooth Fairy, who promptly banishes both Roma and DC, leaving the stage clear for the continuation of the INTERVIEW.

COT: Oh, dear, how wet I am! Now, where were we?

E: Nova Scotia.

COT: What? Isn't this Dublin? It's raining outside - it MUST be Dublin.

E: I want Nova Scotia and I want it tomorrow. Gee, that sounds like a nice song title.

COT: OK, Enya, why do you want Nova Scotia?

E: Lobsters.

COT: Lobsters?

E: Those crustaceans with yummy meat - lobsters!

COT: So, you love eating lobster?

E: No, I loathe them, but I want to OWN them all so I can corner the market, raise the price, and become the richest woman in Eire.

COT: But you already ARE the richest woman in Eire!

E: Oh, well, am I the richest woman in Nova Scotia?

COT: How the ding-dong would I know?

E: Wait, I have a song for you, about Nova Scotia:

Enya breaks into:

Farewell to Nova Scotia,

your fog-bound coast,

may your mountains dark and dreary be...

E: Like it?

COT: Not really. Sounds too much like Eire.

E: But it's called New Scotland, silly!

COT: What a strange place.

E: There's very rare bird there too, the kerrykait. It attacks anyone who doesn't buy my CDs. Very vicious - ten feet tall.

COT: Spare me!

E: Only If you've bought ALL my CDs.

COT: Why not buy the USA?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 01 May 2002 23:35:40

E: That's my next project. Soon, I shall purchase the entire world! Eventually, I will be Empress of the Universe!

COT: Do you really think George Bush is going to sell you the United States?

E: He seems like a nice enough man. I'm sure if I ask politely enough...

COT: I don't think so. You'd better start small and work your way up.

E: Me? Start small? I think not, Cyanide! I'll settle for no less than America!

COT: So in essence, you'd become their first female president. Are there any changes you would make?

E: Scores. First off, I'd make National Enya Appreciation Day, where all day long only my music would be sold in shops and played on radios. On second thought... I rather like that. I think I'll just make it a permanent law. We don't really need those other artists, do we, Cyanide?

COT: I personally like other artists.

E: You're not President, are you?

COT: So would Marvin the Alien Swede be your First Man?

E: I think so.

COT: What about your Cabinet?

E: Walnut. I like walnut.

COT: No no, I mean the Secretary of State and such.

E: Oh! Right, right. Nicky could be my Secretary of Recording, Roma could be my Secretary of Books. Maire could be the Secretary of Cats. I like cats. And that's another thing - I'd put cats on the food pyramid. They're an essential part of any diet, you know.

COT: Could we get through just ONE conversation without you mentioning how you eat cats?

E: Fat cats are the best. Plump, juicy kitties.

COT: Stop!

E: The longhaired ones are very tender.

COT: I said stop!

E: Taste kind of like chicken.

COT: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD, STOP!!!

E: *looking hurt* All I said was "cats"...

COT: AAAHHHHHH!!! *runs offstage howling*