The Ultimate Enya Interview:

UEI: Part 1
UEI: Part 2
UEI: Part 4
UEI: Part 5
UEI: Part 6
UEI: Part 7
UEI: Part 8
UEI: Part 9
UEI: Part 10

The Ultimate Enya Interview

Part 3

"Being small is great - I can slip through the castle's mail slot when I forget the key."

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 09 Apr 2002 00:46:56

E: Going nova? Is that a vulgar phrase? I don't like vulgar phrases. Or you, Cyanide. That air you just breathed will cost you 100,000 Euros.

COT: I haven't got that kind of money!

E: What kind of car do you have?

COT: A Yugo.

E: Excellent. I'll take it.

COT: For a woman who just bought the solar system, isn't a Yugo a little beneath you?

E: Just because the world now literally revolves around me, it doesn't mean I'm conceited.

COT: *cynical laugh* Oh no, of course not. You were generous enough to lower the price of my air.

E: Cyanide, can we play a little game?

COT: If it'll make the time go by faster, I'll try anything.

E: Good. It's called "Hit the Interviewer with a Metal Bat".

COT: I've changed my mind. Count me out.

E: I can't start counting outs til you're no longer coherent.

COT: *jumps into a karate position* I can take you, Enya! You're no match for me! Bring it on, sister!

E: *stretches out her hand and COT falls to the ground* Feel my power, mortal!

COT: *zombie-looking stare* I love Enya. Enya is good. I wish to serve Enya.

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 09 Apr 2002 02:14:27

E: You know, I said the same thing once to Nicky!

COT: I live to please you.

E: Perhaps you should join the forum at enya.com then?

COT: Will it fulfill my need to worship you?

E: Oh yes! I've already condemned hundreds of souls to that site.

COT: What can I do in addition?

E: Well, you could stop kissing my feet; my sixth toe is very ticklish.

COT: If you wish, Mistress. May I ask thee another question?

E: Oh. OK. But be nice!

COT: When will you grace us all with a concert tour?

E: When Hell freezes over?

COT: Geez, I think I'm in Hell now!

E: Oh no, Cyanide. You are in the presence of all pervasive Heaven.

COT: Yes, I even hear your voice in elevators!

E: Well, everything has its ups and downs.

COT: Enya, my divine one, what would you like best to beremembered for?

 

Reply author: sharpwhat
Replied on: 10 Apr 2002 00:38:45

E: Hmmmmmm... You know, I really have a hard time remembering anything.

COT: (Look of pain on her face) No dear, I mean what how would you like to be remembered by your adoring fans?

E: Um, excuse me a moment... (Loudly to a fan sneaking back into the forum) Well Mr. Sharpwhat, I see you decided to join us again. Where the heck have you been? How many times must you be told never to keep me waiting in between postings?

S: (meekly wimpering as he sits) Sorry M'Lady, please I pray, accept my mea culpa, I shall never disappoint thee again.

E: darn right... report your transgression to the other members to receive your sentence for your sin.

S: Yes M'Lady...

E: Okay Cyanide, where were we?

COT: (bewildered) Um, I forgot...

E: Let me help you you twit, what do I want to be remembered for? How about peace and goodwill to all man... Oh, wait someone else has that one.

COT: Haven't you done anything in your life you will be remember for?

E: Oh of course, but the statute of limitations hasn't been reached yet on those things.

COT: Haven't you done anything good?

E: Absolutely! I do everything good, even the bad things. (smiles wickedly)

COT: (leaning over in interest) Really, off the record, what were some of them?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 10 Apr 2002 01:50:52

E: All right, as long as it's off the record. For starters, I fixed the Oscars.

S: Then you did a pretty shoddy job. Didn't you lose?

E: *chucking evilly* Ah, I have a master plan. I allowed Newman to win in order to cause a great deal of sympathy for myself. I am the victim, am I not?

COT: *hollow voice* Yes, you are the victim.

E: I am innocent.

COT: You are innocent.

E: Good. Onward. I also place hidden messages on my albums. It's humanly impossible to be as good as I supposedly am. That's why I brainwash people into believing I'm some sort of magical muse.

COT: You are a magical muse.

E: Yes. Kiss my ring.

COT: *kisses the ring* Ooh, sparkly.

E: You want to know that else? This ring and that diamond necklace I wore at the Oscars? Cubic zirconias. $12.99 at Walmart.

COT: $12.99 at Walmart.

E: *snaps her fingers* I shall release you from the trance. Your worthless bumbling is no longer amusing.

COT: *blinks* Oh! Hello, Enya. Where have I been?

E: Under my supreme control. Now ask me somethig.

COT: Tell us a secret.

E: I am... Wait, can't say that. Can't tell. Mustn't let it out.

COT: Do tell!

E: I am... Nah, never mind.

COT: ENYA, WHAT ARE YOU!?

 

Reply author: cyberblaine
Replied on: 10 Apr 2002 02:45:51

E: I'm a...a...A MORTAL!

COT: Um, I think everyone already knew that one, Enya.

E: No, you see, you all think I'm mortal, but I'm really not, I just told you that I was mortal...or else you would still think that I'm mortal!

COT: Enya, what are you on?

E: A Chair, silly!

COT: *sighs, obviously annoyed* Now, back to the interview.

E: What interview?

COT: This whole little TV Ditty that we've been doing for THE PAST 3 HOURS!

E: Oh, I call it "being prodded by a rude reporter whose name is a poison".

COT: *face turns beat red* *takes a deep breath* Why don't we listen to a song clip off of her latest album, "A Day Without Rain"?

Who can say where the road goes,
Where the day flows?
Only time...

And who can say if your love grows,
As your heart chose?
Only time...

E: *starts to cry* My music is so..so...BEAUTIFUL! *blows her nose on Cyanide*

COT: A bit hot headed, are we?

E: No, actually, it's a bit cold in here.

COT: *faints*

E: Cyanide? CYANIDE?!

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 10 Apr 2002 03:21:20

E: Oh my gosh! I've killed the little bugger! *kneels down and begins slapping COT's face* Cyanide! Cyanide, wake up! *douses her with water*

COT: What! What? I'm awake, I'm awake!

E: Good. *glares at her and smacks her in the face* Don't ever scare me like that again!

COT: See, you really do care about me.

E: No, stupid, you wouldn't have been able to pay me if you croaked.

COT: Oh. Anyway, shall we continue?

E: As long as you're paying me an insane amount of money, I'm willing to do whatever you ask.

COT: Will you sing "Slave 4 U"?

E: *places her hand on her heart* Oh, I think I'm going into cardiac arrest!

COT: Sorry, sorry, I take it back!

E: *devilish gleam in her eye* Now wait just a minute... *whispers something in COT's ear* Is that fair?

COT: Very. You sing "Slave," and I'll give you exactly what you asked for.

E: Deal. *Enya runs backstage and slips on a French maid's uniform*

I'm a slaaaaaaaaave, for you!

And you better not rant,

Or I might eat your house plants!

I'm a slaaaaaaaaaave, for you! *swinging cloth around*

And if I bust it,

I don't have to dust it!

COT: *clapping* Very nice, I think. Now about that favor you promised me...

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 21 Apr 2002 20:10:31

E: Did I promise a favour??? I thought you wanted a FLAVOUR! I was going to give you Vanilla.

COT: Why would I ask for that, you Britney-wannabe??

E: Actually, I wannabe Alanis Morissette.

COT: Why on earth? So you could sing four letter words and scream at your audience?

E: No, so I could let my hair grow long and no one would give a #^%$&*^%!

COT: Now now, dear, we are NOT allowed to say abusive things on this show, or the PRODUCER will get you!

E: Oops, forgot that part! Do you want to see my Madonna imitation next?

COT: You're going to sing "Like a Virgin" ?

E: Boy, are you dumb - I'm gonna sing like Madonna.

COT: OK, go ahead while I take another tranquillizer.

(Enya rips off her flowing robe, only to reveal.....)

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 22 Apr 2002 03:21:25

COT: Enya...

E: *smiling sweetly* Yes, Cyanide?

COT: Why are you dressed like a chicken?

E: I'm glad you asked. You see, I've taken up a new charity. It's called Chicken's Labor Union Contesting Kitchens, or CLUCK.

COT: *shaking her head* All right. Just get it over with.

E: I must save the chickens, for they once saved me!

COT: Do tell.

E: When I was a wee girl growing up in Donegal, I used to frolic by the sea, laughing and singing songs to my little animal friends. *cue Bambi music* Until one day, I was skipping a bit too near to the shore when I fell into the water! *music darkens* I was tossed about by the raging seas! I thought all was lost when suddenly, up out of the sea foam, rose a beautiful mermaid. She brought me to shore, saving my life. *music softens* And now... *sniff* I'm forever in the debt of the merpeople.

COT: *passing her a tissue* That was lovely. I doubt it was true, but it was very lovely. Now I have a question.

E: *dabbing her eyes* What is it, Cyanide?

COT: WHAT DID THAT HAVE TO DO WITH CHICKENS!?

E: I'm guessing it's that time of the month for you.

COT: *glaring* Maybe it's YOU.

E: Maybe you're just upset that you're 35, your life is at a complete standstill, and the only date you can get is from one of those matchmaking services with convicted felons.

COT: I severely dislike you, Ms. Brennan.

E: No you don't. You love me. Admit it. Everybody loves me.

COT: I DON'T!

E: Might I suggest anger management courses?

COT: AAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 22 Apr 2002 14:04:53

E: Or, if you prefer, one of those "how to deal with difficult people" courses.

COT: Difficult? How about supremely annoying?

E: I never listened to Diana Ross.

COT: Enya, what did you say in Gaelic at the recent World Music Awards?

E: Can I lie?

COT: No!

E: Will the PRODUCER ban it?

COT: Depends.

E: I don't use those yet.

COT: Enya, the question, please!

E: Oh, I said "Man, isn't it great to whip Britney and all those clones after all these years".

COT: So, you feel you are finally geting the recognition you deserve from the music industry?

E: Could you repeat the question? I was plucking a feather.

COT: Did you know that Bjork once dressed in a swan outfit?

E: I thought that was Ellen DeGeneres.

COT: Enya, please stop. I'm allergic to chicken feathers!

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 02:45:07

E: So if I keep plucking, what'll happen?

COT: I might have to go to the hospital.

E: Excellent! Then we can get this horrible interview over with!

COT: Hmm, hospitalization or being here with you...? Keep plucking.

E: I resent that!

COT: Wonderful. Tell us about some other things you resent.

E: My forum members.

COT: WHAT!?

E: Hehe, just checking to see if you were listening.

COT: Tell us more about this forum of yours, Enya.

E: Well, we've got quite a bunch of characters. Teabags, martians, aliens, princesses, bards, a lady, and something called a "dom."

COT: What's a "dom?"

E: Nobody knows.

COT: Do you visit your forum?

E: I don't know.

COT: What do you mean by "I don't know?"

E: The phrase "I don't know" is usually used when the person being asked the question is unaware of the answer to said question.

COT: Are you dancing around the subject?

E: I'm not a dancer. Nor Prancer, nor Donner, nor Vixen, nor -

COT: ANSWER THE QUESTION, ENYA!!!

E: No, I'm not allowed to visit. It's Roma's forum.

COT: Does Nicky ever visit?

E: Roma told him he wasn't allowed.

COT: It's not roma.com, it's enya.com!

E: Look here, Cyanide, I've seen firsthand what happens when somebody crosses Roma, and it's not pretty. If she wants the forum, I'm not going to be the one to tell her otherwise.

COT: Then I'LL tell her.

E: Be my guest. *grins evilly* Oh Romaaaaaa...

 

Reply author: Green_Meadows
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 04:59:55

(Roma enters with a hatchet and blood shot eyes. She looks like she's been up all night protecting her message board, and she's barely able to keep her eyes open and focus.)

COT: Goodness Roma are you alright? (Rises up to assist her)

(Roma slurs like a drunken woman and swings her hatchet.)

(COT manages to fall back in time and Roma falls with her. They begin a Kung FU dance where COT is constantly dodging R's hatchet. Throughout all of this E watches on, munching on peanuts and such. COT finally Knocks out R and sits down to catch her breath.)

E: That was amazing, where did you learn to do that?

COT: Are you mad!!!!! That was self defense! You thought that was for show? You think that was for fun!!!

E: Hmmm, so I guess we should continue with the interview then!(turns up her nose) I am after all Enya, the richest woman in Ireland!

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 14:37:49

COT: Yes, you are. How does it feel to be so rich?

E: Actually, I've lost quite a few pounds.

COT: Well, you are a small woman!

E: No, I mean that when those euros came in I actually lost money!

COT: Has this cramped your lifestyle?

E: Well, the cats no longer get sirloin steak every night.

COT: But I've been told that you give a lot of euros to the needy.

E: No, silly, I give money to the NERDY, not the needy!

COT: Enya, are you actually cracking a joke??

E: No, Bill Gates really DOES need my money.

COT: What about the needy in Gweedore?

E: Oh, don't worry, they're all employed at my castle.

COT: All of Gweedore??

E: Well, no, my brother Bart is still in Gweedore running a museum dedicated to moi.

COT: Isn't that just a bit egotistical? A bit small?

E: Being small is great - I can slip through the castle's mail slot when I forget the key.

COT: Hmmm, I would have thought you would use the cat door...

E: No, they'd eat me - still grumpy about that sirloin stuff.

COT: Enya, what are you immediate future plans?

 

Reply author: dom
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 15:00:35

E:To dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee!

COT:Do I spy an Ali fan?

E: Muhammad Ali dearie, NOT Ali G! Besides he's rumoured to have Irish origins.Get that right, you pound of cyanide!

COT:Pounds have always been better than Euros, at least that's what the Currency Exchange says.

E:I've always dug Will Smith's shows, even when he was the Fresh Prince with Jazzy Jeff! I saw him on Ali. Awesome!

COT:You surprise me Enya!

E:Ha..you will be even more surprised if you try sneaking into my castle grounds at night!

COT:That means....

E:That means my cats will be more than happy to have LIVE SIRLOIN steak!

COT:I really should end this interview soon.

E:You're such a spoil sport!

COT:I am Cyanide but I am no match for Roma should she wake up soon!

E:So it's Roma you 're worried of. You haven't met Mush Mush.

COT:'Mush Mush'..isn't what people say to huskies on sleds?

E:That's my pet lion, you chemical swirl!

(Roma wakes up.... staggers to her feet. Grabs her hatchet, gives it a

twirl in Wild West gunslinger style ...)

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 20:54:17

(and yells "PD, KK, Dom and all the rest, I'm acomin' after you'all!! She rushes off stage.)

COT: My goodness, what was THAT all about?

E: Nothing much, really, it's just that Roma was once known as "Roma, Warrior Princess" in a past life; she used a chakram them.

COT: Have you been reincarnated too?

E: Reincarnated - isn't that a condensed milk drink?

COT: I'd better simplify this: have you had past lives?

E: Oh yes, I was once Cleopatra, Queen of the Nile.

COT: And you had affairs with Caesar and Antony?

E: Aren't they a rap group?

COT: No! Thet were ancient Romans.

E: Oh, ancient Romas - I get it - Roma was Caesar!

COT: Where's my vodka botle?

E: Look, Cy, why not ask me something really important, like how do I feel about global corporatization in the new economy that will engulf the world and make us all drink Coca- Cola?

COT: Ok, how DO you feel about that?

E: Could you repeat the question?

COT: Coca-Cola!!

E: Please, unless you have a diet Pepsi handy.

COT: Enya, do you have any profound thoughts?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 21:31:52

E: No.

COT: Oh. Well, could you make some up?

E: I collect toasters. I got another this weekend that I stole from my brother's wedding. I love toasters.

COT: Stealing from your own brother's wedding?

E: They must've got a dozen toasters, the won't miss one.

COT: That's not the point.

E: Would you like to see it?

COT: No.

E: *pulls it out of her purse* Look, I had it bronzed!

COT: I'm afraid of you.

E: And I'm afraid of Britney Spears. So we're even, no?

COT: Put the toaster away.

E: *popping in some bread slices* Oh stuff it, Cyanide. I'm hungry.

 

Reply author: Green_Meadows
Replied on: 23 Apr 2002 22:00:50

COT: My God, do your fans know you're this looney?

E: Looney... oh you're referring to looney tunes. (drops the toaster and

starts prancing around)I just love bugs and daffy and Elmer Fudd( and she

continues rattling off cartoon characters)

COT: Dumb question but hey.. so do you get to watch cartoons regularly?

E: Cartoons, silly, I'm a grown woman. ( begins to chuckle hysterically)

COT begins to smile, then catches herself.

E (begins a slow chant under her breath.) Anger of fire, fire of speech, breath of knowledge, wisdom of wealth, sword of song, song of bitter-edge.

COT: I didn't catch that.

E: What fell?

COT: Are you always this sarcastic?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 24 Apr 2002 01:34:10

E: Only with air-heads like you, who have no idea of the meaning of life.

COT: Oh, and what IS the meaning of life?

E: We are here to light a fire in the darkness, to seek out truth and virtue, to endure the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, to bear our burdens to the end nobly and well, to share in love and peace, to capture truth in music -

COT: (interrupts excitedly) My goodness, I had no idea you were this articulate! What wonderful sentiments!

E: It's the toaster.

COT: The toaster?

E: Yes, the one I took from Bart.

COT: What has that to do with what you just said about life?

E: Well, today you're big, tomorrow you're toast.

COT: And?

E: I prefer brown bread.

COT: What about truth and virtue?

E: They're better on sourdough.

COT: Enya, are you two persons in one?