The Ultimate Enya Interview:

UEI: Part 1
UEI: Part 2
UEI: Part 3
UEI: Part 4
UEI: Part 5
UEI: Part 6
UEI: Part 7
UEI: Part 11

The Ultimate Enya Interview

Part 10

COT: It's a miracle that (Nicky's) been able to put up with everything for all these years.

E: Him? What about me? Do you know what he's done to me!? I came to that man penniless and homeless, and he turned me into some filthy rich, mega-star with a castle! What kind of friend is that, I ask you!?

ANNOUNCER : Need inspiration? Feeling mentally sluggish? Try some "EnyaMuse" (TM), the pill that's guaranteed to create 500 voices all dum dumming at once in your head. Available NOW at fine stores everywhere, and also at Wal-mart. Now back to our show:

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 07 Jun 2002 13:07:19

COT: Any other pasts you'd like to share?

E: Yes, I have another. Do you know of Pygmalion?

COT: The Greek sculptor who hated women?

E: He's the one. Well, Aphrodite put a love spell on him, and he began sculpting the figure of a woman. He fell in love with the sculpture, and eventually, Aphrodite turned it into living, breathing flesh. That was me.

COT: Right.

E: It was the most beautiful statue ever carved. Who else could it have been? What could be greater than my loveliness?

COT: Your ego.

E: You flatter me.

COT: That's nice, at least someone is enjoying this interview. Anyway, I have an email here from Dom. He wants to know when you're going to let him out of the dungeon.

E: Hmm... I'll have to think about it.

COT: Rumor has it that the Enya Knights are planning a jailbreak.

E: Not a problem. The fort is well protected.

COT: How so? Guards?

E: I've no use for little people like that. I go for the big guns. I have the Loch Ness monster living in my moat and a T-rex in my conservatory. His name is Milhouse, and he has a wart on his bum.

COT: Thank you for sharing.

E: My pleasure.

COT: Has Milhouse ever eaten anyone?

E: He eats Nicky every morning. I'm really getting tired of fishing him out.

COT: Poor Nicky! It looks like he's always the one getting hurt.

E:Well what do you want? The man sits there in front of the beast waving pork chops saying, "Come and get it, you little rascal!" So Milhouse comes and gets it. All of it.

COT: It's a miracle that he's been able to put up with everything for all these years.

E: Him? What about me? Do you know what he's done to me!? I came to that man penniless and homeless, and he turned me into some filthy rich, mega-star with a castle! What kind of friend is that, I ask you!?

COT: You're right. I don't know how you put up with it. I think a nomination for sainthood is in order.

E: Good, the family will be pleased to hear that. I was supposed to become a nun, you know. That's what they all thought. They were kind of disappointed when I left the convent for a career in music. Now at least we'll have "saint" on the Brennan resume.

COT: A nun? You?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 07 Jun 2002 15:05:48

E: Sure, why not? After all, I was Joan of Arc in one of my past lives, leading the troops to victory, being an inspirational motivator, etc.

COT: YOU were burned at the stake!

E: But I love steaks, especially the Cajun ones with lots of pepper.

COT: You burned to death, Joan of Arc!

E: Well, that part was a little unpleasant, got very hot very fast, and the Irish aren't used to that, you know. But it turned out OK, cause I was sainted. You may call me Your Saintliness.

COT: Is that why religion plays such a large part in your current life?

E: Not exactly, you see I once was the entire Vienna Boys Choir. Now THAT was uplifting!

COT: So your present "choir" had a predecessor?

E: What's with the multi-syllable words? Trying to make me look dumb?

COT: No, I don't need to work at that. What was it like being a boys choir in Vienna?

A strange hush falls over the studio, lights fade and the room begins to darken. Ominous clouds appear on the horizon... Is this the END?

A sudden flash of lightning... the roar of thunder...

a scream in the darkness and then.....

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 09 Jun 2002 12:35:51

The lights return, and both Cyanide and her live audience gasp in horror. Enya is missing!!!

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 09 Jun 2002 15:32:53

PRODUCER: Yes, friends, Enya is missing! She keeps throwing things out of her purse at our camerperson, who is oneofakind. Apparently, Enya believes the cameraperson has NOT been shooting her at the right angle. It's making her look short and thin. Actually, it is Cyanide who would like to shoot her!

COT: Enya, stop that! It's hard to keep good camerapeople around this show.

E: That one's one of a kind!

COT: Yes, we know that. Now, what about the Vienna Boys Choir?

E: If you insist. Well, it certainly WAS a lot easier to do all that vocal layering then - I had hundreds of heads and voices. I could be turning out CDs every week if I were still them. Then my fans would actually have something important to talk about instead of wasting their time posting stuff about cement jello, horses in bars, smelly feet... you get the picture?

COT: Yes, well, what's next for Enya?

E: Like, after this horrible interview is over?

COT: Like yes.

E: Well, I want to take a holiday in Florida. I want to watch a space shuttle take off, after I've put Dom of the Web in it. Then I'll visit Donegal Marbleworks - I hear there's someone there who needs a name; she can have Patricia. I'm so generous. Then I will lie on the beach and see if anyone wants to kiss my toes.

COT: And visit Disneyland, or is it Disneyworld! It's so confusing there, in America. Why can't they come up wityh distinctive names, like Eithne or Cyanide?

E: They're all retired and can't be bothered? Anyway, I need fresh mice for the cats so I guess I'll go see Mickey and Minnie! Then I'll pick up my Florida Keys so I can get into everything FREE!

COT: So, how long will you be in Florida?

E: About as long as I am now, say 5' 2" ?

COT: No, dear, how long will you be visiting Florida?

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 10 Jun 2002 03:04:46

E: I'll wait till the next hurricane sweeps through. Then when the place is flattened, I'l buy it cheap.

COT: I can just see it now: Hurricane Eithne!

E: [menacingly] Are you saying I'm a big wind?

COT: [trembling] O, no! No, not at all! I'm saying, err, I'm saying you have excellent breath control.

E: Good recovery!

COT: Thank you. We have another email from a fan. This one comes from a nice lady named Stanley. She asks --

E: Is her twin brother a boy named Sue?

COT: Maybe. I wondered about that myself. But Stanley asks: I'm one of the moderators of the Enya.Com forum. Since it's your forum, can you give me some advice about forum posting guidelines? What's appropriate or not?

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 10 Jun 2002 03:51:15

E: What's appropriate - hmmm... sounds like something my Granny would ask. Well, first of all, all postings must revolve around me! It's enya.com, after all - not britney.com!

COT: Even the ones in "Creativity"?

E: Now you've hit a sore spot! Those people are plain nuts! They create weird versions of my songs, they take polls on the merits of my works, they write poetry, knowing that only ROMA has the authorization for such activity, they even invent nutty interviews that never took place! There is a place for them: Manderley Dungeon!!

COT: What about "Off Topic"?

E: No topic should NOT be about me! And I am NOT "off"!

COT: What about "Fan Base" then?

E: Yes, some of the fans can be pretty base!

COT: Enya, these base fans buy your CDs and worship your toe nails.

E: OK then, they can do whatever.

COT: They want to know about your tatoos.

E: Never!! I could never reveal my feelings about Brad Pitt that way!

COT: You have tatoos of Brad on your arms?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal

Replied on: 10 Jun 2002 04:49:13

E: No, but I've got a picture of him hanging in my closet. My tattoo says "ROCK ON".

COT: So you like rock n' roll?

E: *singing and thrashing her head* "I love rock n' roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby! I love rock n' roll, so come and take your time and dance with me!"

COT: Do you know any other rock songs?

E: Nope, that's it.

COT: What's your favorite song of the moment?

E: "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.

COT: Do you feel that you're too sexy for the rest of us?

E: No, not for the rest of you, but I am too sexy for my car, my cat, my castle, my albums, and my microwave.

COT: Not the toaster?

E: Oh no, the toaster is much sexier than I am.

COT: How can a toaster be sexy?

E: *putting an arm protectively around her toaster* You're obviously jealous of my toaster.

COT: Right. Jealous of the toaster. How did you figure it out?

E: I can read people's thoughts. Right now, you're thinking of how much you adore me and how you'd like to send me money.

COT: Actually, I was thinking about slamming your head into a brick wall.

E: OH! There's another rock song! "We don't need no education, teachers leave us kids alone..."

COT: Was that your attitude in school, Enya?

E: School? Did I go to school?

COT: Probably not.

E: Is that where the keep the cows?

COT: I believe cows are kept in barns and pastures, not schools.

E: Then you haven't been to Gweedore, have you?

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 10 Jun 2002 19:17:23

COT: No, and I don't intend to go! Not if it's full of your relatives.

E: Dear Cyanide, everyone in Gweedore is related to everyone else, We're a close community.

COT: Hence the genetic defects?

E: What, are my jeans torn?

COT: You are not wearing jeans, Enya. You are wearing a ball gown dating to around 1800. I WAS wondering why on earth you would come to an interview in that outfit.

E: Oh, this is my "Marble Halls" dress. I shall wear it when my castle is finally refurbished. That means, in case you don't understand big words, when the furballs are ready to meet and greet.

COT: Furballs?

E: Well, unless Kerry does in fact manage to sweep them all up in time for the grand ball.

COT: The grand ball?

E: Is there an echo here? Yes, the grand ball?

COT: Tell me about the grand ball.

E: Well, we'll have the entire Dublin Symphony Orchestra and the Trinity College Choir. That's just to get things rolling with a little fanfare and hail to her highness Enya when I enter.

COT: What happens next?

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 00:33:35

E: On second thought, I don't want to talk about the Grand Bawl. It was too sad.

COT: OK. Now then ... [COT flips through notes. Paper flies everywhere.

Eithne laughs. An assistant runs in, and falls down trying to gather up the paper. Eithne laughs again.]

COT: See here now! [COT falls off chair. Eithne laughs some more, and also falls off chair]

Announcer: We'll be right back, I hope! Now, these messages ...

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 00:36:39

Commercial break:

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And now back to our interview (we think....)

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 00:39:49

E: Next? There will be a long, red carpet which I shall gracefully meander down while my paid � I mean, privileged � guests chant the HAIL ENYA song.

COT: The HAIL ENYA song?

E: I wrote it myself. Allow me to bless you with a sneak preview. *claps her hands and out of some theatrical smoke, a choir arises* Sing, my children, sing!

Choir:

She is great, she is wise,

She sees through everybody’s lies!

She is honest, she is true,

She is never ever blue!

She’s a star, she’s a sun,

She’s burning bright for everyone!

She is loyal, she is good,

She gives all she ever could!

In the morning, in the eve,

You’ve got no reason to grieve!

For she’s here, for she’s come,

There’s no reason to be glum!

So bow your head, make a way,

At her feet, your riches lay!

She’s our Queen, our Queen,

From morning, noon, and through the next day!

COT:... *silence*

E: *looking very pleased with herself* I see you’re speechless, Cyanide.

COT: Speechless isn’t the word. You’ve actually brainwashed these poor souls into singing that song as you walk down the red carpet?

E: You would do the same, if I so chose.

COT: I would never prance around singing your praises, you tyrant.

E: No one is asking you to prance. A dignified stance will do.

COT: How did you ever get your own advice column?

E: Now now, there’s no reason to be pulling skeletons out of the closet.

COT: Approximately how many skeletons would you have in your closet?

E: Including the ones I threw in yesterday?

COT... *silence*

E: Well? Do those count? Hello Cyanide, are you there?

 

Reply author: Green_Meadows
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 04:25:11

COT sits with her hand on her jaw. She stares absent mindly at Enya. She can't believe what she has been doing for what seems like forever. She's trying to think of how this whole craziness began in the first place and what prompted her to do this interview. She sighs wearily 'cause she knows that her job isn't nearly done. And to think that she was a fan of this madwoman just blows her mind. She sighs again for the ignorant fans.

Enya sits and watches Cyanide with piercing eyes. If you look too long they begin to flicker with warmth and amusement. She's thinking this is the most fun she's had on an interview. Her laughter bubbles to her lips and rings out.

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 15:10:53

E (laughing hysterically): Hey, Cyanide, want to hear more about the Grand Ball?

COT: Why not? I've just decided to retire after this interview is over...I'll be 65 by then for sure.

E: Well, next is the official greeting to all those assembled within my walls. I will stand on a box and grace them with my words of welcome.

COT: And what do you plan to say?

E: I'll tell them how lucky they are to be in my presents, er, presence.I'll even sing LIVE for them - I just haven't written the song yet.

COT: So when will it be ready?

E: In about 3 years or so. It will be multi-layered, of course, with Nicky at the controls and Roma at the lyrics. Also, I thought I would add the Mormon Tabernacle Choir for added effect. What do you think of that?

COT: I think I'm going to bawl....

E: No, you haven't been invited! You'll have to be much nicer to me to get an invitation, you know.

COT: So, who HAS been invited?

 

Reply author: Yankee
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 18:13:03

E: Everyone as rich as me and everyone as cute as me and everyone as talented as me. I'm going to just have so much fun all by myself!!

COT: Won't that be boring?

E: *glaring* I'M NEVER BORING!!

COT: I see. Well the Grand Bawl shouldn't run too late into the night. I'm sure your neighbors will appreciate that.

E: Oh they don't mind, at least they haven't said anything since I installed the boiling oil vats on the castle walls.

COT: I'm sure that isn't because you want to serve them deep fried chips?

 

Reply author: Green_Meadows
Replied on: 13 Jun 2002 20:19:14

E: (Sarcastically) how did you know..Plus I live in a castle, I'm allowed!!

COT: (Ignoring her sarcastic remark)You still haven't given us any names yet? Be specific, who's invited?

E: You don't need to worry about having to talk to someone you don't like since you're not invited. (Enya jumps up and begins prancing around like a little school girl.)

COT: Haven't we done this already?

E: (mimics her) Haven't we done this already?

COT: You can't possibly be serious!?

E: You can't possibly be serious!?

(COT begins to shake uncontrollably with anger and frustration. It seems the interview has taken it's toll on her. At any minute you expect to see steam blowing through her ears.)

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 14 Jun 2002 00:52:13

E: Gee, Cyanide, are you feeling better?

COT: Oh yes, like I've been hit by a truck. But never mind, I must continue with this interview or lose my job (but if I do continue I will lose my mind!). Enya, anyway, do you have any friends you "might" like to invite to your castle for a cuppa tea, say?

E: Oh yes, I will invite Granny Tetley for sure - she makes such a nicecuppa tea, plus she's knitting sweaters for my cats. So thoughtful, but Istill don't know why she's called Stanley - must ask.

COT: And who else?

E: All my fans who love cats! Yes, we'll open to castle gates to all feline fanciers! Did you know that one of the posters on the forum at enya.com is a cat whose name is secret? Signs itself as kerrykait's kittykat! Now, isn't that just amazing?

COT: A talking cat? You know a talking cat?

E: It sends me secret messages.

COT: Like what?

E: You are Mistress of the Animals, Keeper of Worlds, Goddess of All That Is, stuff like that - I really like this cat!

COT: Enya, how long have you been talking to cats?

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 14 Jun 2002 01:10:28

E: They say you are what you eat. So, since I eat them ...

COT: NO! Please don't go there! The animal rights people are already picketing outside. [thinks fast] So, uh, er, I understand you're going to renovate your recording studio. What can you tell us about that?

E: We're going to make it soundproof. We kept picking up noise from passing lorries. You wouldn't believe how many tracks we had to redo because of that! Plus, there were always crazed fans outside trying to listen through the walls.

COT: What can we expect on your next album?

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 14 Jun 2002 01:50:07

E: Oh you know, more of me! Lots of me doing everything!!

COT: Could you be more specific?

E: Yes.

COT: Well, BE SPECIFIC!!!!

E: Cyanide, please, we are trying to conserve both capital letters and exclamation points.

COT: Sorry, eh? Enya, please, tell us more about your next CD.

E: Well, it will begin with an instrumental piece.

COT: After which the CD will be named?

E: How on earth did you know that?

COT: A wild guess, I suppose.

E: Well, we'll have a song in Gaelic, one in Latin, another instrumental or two, a really beautiful song by me that will send my fans into ecstacy, plus a waltz tempo piece. Maybe more, hard to say.

COT: So it takes a lot of planning?

E: Not really. It's just that Nicky hasn't told me yet.

COT: You mean that Nicky has it all planned already?

E: You know good old reliable Nicky!

COT: Will he tell you what to do at some point?

 

Reply author: kmac
Replied on: 15 Jun 2002 03:20:24

E: I hope so. I hate making my own decisions.

COT: Really? Didn't you decide to buy a castle?

E: That was suggested by my Mother; she wanted a big place where she could escape from all her children.

COT: Is your Mother living in the castle then?

E: Well, she's the cook. But she has her own room at the top of the turret.

COT: And didn't you decide to write a song for Lord of the Rings?

E: That was Nicky's idea. I thought HE was the lord of the rings, so I agreed.

COT: Enya, are you really that indecisive?

E: Maybe.

COT: Did you want to be a big star?

E: Maybe.

COT: Did you want to be rich?

 

Reply author: Green_Meadows
Replied on: 15 Jun 2002 04:07:09

E: What did YOU want to do with your life?

COT: Umm

E: Didn't you want to be rich?

COT: this interview isn't about me..

E: Did you want to do interviews all your life? Didn't you have any big dreams?

COT: Ahmm, well now that you ask, (before she can finish she is cut off by Enya)

E: (claps her hands and squeals) I've always seen that in movies and wanted to try it. Ohhhhh( giggles with delight)

COT: (who feels a little crushed says) Well I must applaud your talent to deceive

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 15 Jun 2002 14:22:37

E: Oh Cyanide, was that mean? I didn't mean to be mean, really.

COT: Are you saying you're sorry?

E: Love means never having to say you're sorry!

COT: So, you saw Love Story too?

E: Oh, was there a sequel? I only saw the first Love Story. I cried all the way through it. Went through 10 boxes of EnyaPuffs tissues.

COT: Do you cry a lot?

E: Mostly when I don't win awards.

COT: Do you know that there is a contest about you on enya.com?

E: My my - no, I didn't. What's the grand prize?

COT: Having to interview you!

E: Isn't that the booby prize?

COT: No, you're the booby prize.

E: Now you're being mean!

COT: Sorry, I didn't mean to be mean.

Enya suddenly breaks into song:

Happy Daddy Day to you,

Happy Daddy Day to you,

Happy Daddy Day, dear Daddy,

Happy Daddy Day to you!!

E: I'd mention his name but it would spoil the contest!

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 18 Jun 2002 16:57:41

COT: Enya, do you have interesting dreams?

E: You know, Cyanide, I once dreamed of being the Flying Nun.

COT: But Sally Field did that.

E: Yes, and they liked her, really liked her. So I thought of becoming the Singing Nun instead.

COT: But wasn't there a Singing Nun many years ago? Was that you?

E: Yes, I was practicing. But don't tell anyone - it's a big SECRET!

COT: Of course, only the 1 billion people watching will know.

E: But Baba talked me out of it - not singing, the nun part. She wanted me to be rich not taking vows of poverty.

COT: And the rest, as they say, is history?

E: Who says that?

COT: They.

E: Are they my relatives?

COT: Enya, it's a figure of speech!

E: What's wrong with my figure? What's wrong with my speech?

COT: Oh, let's change the topic, please?

E: OK, shoot!

COT: Don't tempt me.

 

Reply author: Green_Meadows
Replied on: 18 Jun 2002 20:09:59

Enya lets out a healthy laugh and says to COT "Breathe deep Cyanide and calm yourself. Let's go outside."

COT sits on the grass and they both stare out at the sea. She is about to ask Enya a question when she starts humming a haunting tune.She stares, transfixed at her and tears start streaming down her face.The humming goes on for another minute after which Enya smiles at her gets up and walk back inside. COT is dumb founded and it takes her a while before she's able to follow Enya back inside.

COT: Ahm, I have no idea what to say to you right now. I just know that inspite of all this madness and nonsense you are truly gifted and blessed.

E: I really appreciate that Cyanide, but I must say this has been the most fun I've had on an interview and I won't spoil it now by being lucid with you. So now if you don't mind, lets get back to the fun.

 

Reply author: Kerrykait
Replied on: 18 Jun 2002 21:35:09

COT: You know, Enya, that the borders of your mind seem to be ever flowing?

E: Like the Orinoco Flow?

COT: Like, "now that I'm in the flow."

E: I just love flow-ers! The more you flow, the more they grow!

COT: I see the other Enya is bbbaaaacccckkkk....

E: Yes, I let my clone out once in a while to make you think that everything will be ok.

COT: And it will, won't it?

E: Nope! I intend to torture you forever to repay all those awful interviewers who treat me like some witch from Eire! A New Age Fairy, or something like that. Really now! I'm ENYA, ruler of the universe and owner of Wal-Mart.

COT: OK, now, Enya, here's an email from a devoted fan. Her name is,well, it seems to be Persia. Do you know this person?

E: Persia, of course! Now what does my sweet little Persia want to know?

COT: Persia asks: When are you going to let my Mommy out of the dungeon at Manderley?

E: Can we take another email?

COT: Have you imprisoned someone at Manderley?????

E: Watch those ????, Cyanide. we have to remain on budget. But, yes, I actually have a number of people there, including Spiderman.

COT: Spiderman?

E: Dom of the Web is his real name. But he's Spidey all right.

COT: Why have you done this?

E: You don't need a reason, let the day go on and on.

COT: But I want a reason!

E: And I want tomorrow, so there!!

COT: Did you know it's illegal to imprison people in your dungeon?

 

Reply author: cyberblaine
Replied on: 21 Jun 2002 06:09:33

E: Yes.

COT: So why are you keeping them in there?!

E: Because I'm Enya, and you're not.

COT: Oy!

E: Wow, that's a new one...

COT: *mumbles incoherently*

E: Why don't we take a stroll down into my basement, I have a little something to show you.

COT: Oh, why not.

[walk down into the basement]

COT: It's quite lovely down here...oo, air conditioning!

[a faint moan is heard]

E: [walks over to dom's cell and starts to sing. He immediately falls into a trance.]

COT: So that's how you keep them quiet...

E: [gets out a blowtorch. Puts it near a hula hoop. A huge ring of fire is made.]

COT: What in the blazes are you doing?!

E: Oh, just some circus tricks from when I was part of one.

COT: Go ahead, amaze me.

E: No silly, YOU'RE the one doing the tricks. Don't worry, it's perfectly safe!

COT: I refuse!

E: OK, then...

COT: I think I know what's coming...step back. [jumps through the hula hoop. She is blazing with fire.]

E: [A piano appears out of nowhere, and Enya starts to play Watermark. All the fire is extinguished]

COT: How DOES she do it?

E: Now, you must spend the rest of your life in this dungeon, as payment for the saving of your life.

COT: You're INSANE! You know that? INSANE!

[cage drops out of nowhere onto COT]

E: Nope, I've just got some handy little elves running around the castle. The cat's don't like them much, but I couldn't go about my evil ways without them...I've got a hankering for some cheese. [walks upstairs to the kitchen]

COT: [breathing heavily. The camera gets a close up of her face. COT looks from side to side, looking very scared.] Help, I'm locked in this castle with Enya...[THUD] Oh my gosh, what was that?! I'm scared, real scared...

E: [walks down the stairs] mmmmmm, cheddar...