The Ultimate Enya Interview:

UEI: Part 2
UEI: Part 3
UEI: Part 4
UEI: Part 5
UEI: Part 6
UEI: Part 7
UEI: Part 8
UEI: Part 9
UEI: Part 10

The Ultimate Enya Interview

Part 1

"Maire had a pet donkey once, but I ate him. "

Topic author: kerrykait
Subject: The Ultimate Enya Interview
Posted on: 04 Apr 2002

Hi folks,

Well, we've probably all seen quite a few Enya interviews, so I thought I would see if we, collectively, could outdo all those insipid interviewers in TV land. So, here is the start of the Ultimate Enya Interview, for you to fill in as we proceed:

Annoying announcer: Welcome to "In Your Face," the talk show that's the talk of Cyberville!! Now, here's our host, Cyanide O'Toole.

COT: Hello everyone!! What a show we have for you today, with a rare appearance by Ireland's most famous export, no, not Guinness, but Enya - the singing sensation who has sold - now get this folks - 60 million albums!! She's so rich sh only needs one name and lives in a castle. And she rarely gives interviews, so put your hands together, for ENYA....

(E. enters and sits down)

COT: Welcome Enya.

E: Thank you for having me.

COT: Come on now, what's it like to sell 60 million CDs?

E: Very tiring, all that going door to door! My knuckles are sore from knocking.

COT: Why do you have only one name?

E: My parents were too poor to afford anymore; remember the famine?

COT: Now that you are wealthy, will you buy a full name?

 

Reply author: davyd
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 02:14:25

E: Cher and Madonna have only one name and it hasn't slowed them down.

COT: In your latest hit "May it be" you sing some of the words in a made-up language. Why?

E: Why not? If no one speaks the language, no one can criticize my diction.

COT: How many cats do you have?  

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 13:57:32

E: It's hard to say - I have trouble finding them in that hulking castle of mine. But I think that "Orinoco" just had six kittens flow forth. Say, are there any stray cats around here?

COT: Hm, moving onto to another subject, Enya, why did you leave Clannad?  

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 14:51:51

E: Why did I leave Clannad?

COT: That's what I said.

E: Can I lie?

COT: I think our viewers would prefer the truth.

E: Oh. Next question, please.

COT: *looking a little miffed* Fine. What was your most embarrassing moment?

E: Let me think. Oh! I remember this one time while I was in Clannad and we were touring in Germany. We ran out of money and we still had two days before the tour ended. That broken down van of ours needed repairs after Ciaran ran over the - nevermind. Anyway, we were badly in need of some money, so Pol came up with this idea to auction ourselves off as dates. I got this really hairy man named Franz and he asked me if I was fleeing the country and if he could hide in the back of our van. I told him fine, as long as he didn't touch any of the goods we kept under the - wait, forget I mentioned that part.

COT: How did you all manage to run out of money?

E: Can I lie?

COT: Why do you keep asking me that?

E: Um... Next question, please.

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 16:07:56

COT: What is this about you being part of a Trinity?

E: I'm Catholic.

COT: No, not THAT Trinity!

E: Trinity College in Dublin?

COT: What have you been smoking, Enya? The Ryans!!

E: Oh, like Roma and Nicky and Persia and Ebony?

COT: Are all Irish names that peculiar?  

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 17:13:34

E: Are all interviewers this annoying?

COT: Now now, no need to get personal.

E: You're telling me?

COT: Anyway, how about we change subjects? What do you enjoy doing with your free time?

E: Sleeping.

COT: And what else?

E: Eating.

COT: *annoyed* Anything that we might find somewhat interesting?

E: I like Shakespeare's plays. Here, let me quote for you. "All the world is a stage, and I hope you fall off it and crack open your filthy, little noggin." *smiles*

COT: *frigh tened* Very nice. Now can I ask you about your live performances?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 18:54:39

(Enya accidentally smashes a glass of water.)

E: What live performances?

COT: Well, you did sing at the Oscars, remember?

E: Actually, I don't - tranquilizers, you know.

COT: Some people thought you looked nervous.

E: Heck, there were 6 billion people watching - would YOU be calm?

COT: Hm, ok. let's talk about your family - your Mother is a piano teacher, right?

E: She's Baba.

COT: Excuse me?

E: Baba, well Maire really, but Maire's my sister too.

COT: Whay, your mother is your sister?

E: Read Oedipus the King?

COT: No, I'm waiting for the movie. And what about yourfather?

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 19:15:17  

E: Daddy's got a pub - well, he did have a pub.

COT: Oh, that's right! Now that you mention it, I remember reading something about the old pub being demolished to make way for the new, modern structure.

E: Yeah, that's what Daddy told me to tell everyone.

COT: I beg your pardon?

E: *shaking her head* Maire was trying to flambe again. I told her not to use that gasoline, but she didn't listen.

COT: *being glared at by the network censors* Anyway, I think it's time for another topic change. What kind of television programs do you watch?

E: Television!? My television is possessed. Whenever I push that big button, it speaks to me! I see visions through the glass!

COT: Are you on any sort of medication?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 20:56:05

(Enya kicks COT accidentally in the shins.)

E: Medications? You mean the stuff they give to people who have, like, multiple personalities?

COT: ANY kind of drugs!

E: I only drink Tetley tea and take two aspirins, then callNicky in the morning.

COT: I see. Enya, what type of books do you read?

E: New Age -- you know, that spacey stuff that makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over - or, wait, is that the cats doing that? Yes, it's the cats - they sleep with me, you know.

COT: I don't want to go there. How about your favorite author?

 

Reply author: Phantas
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 21:17:10

E: Author? Oh dear, I thought my name was Enya....

COT: No, I mean what writers, of books, see?

E: Oh yes,well, right, ehmmm...isn't it time for a break yet? *smiles nervously*  

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 05 Apr 2002 21:54:48

COT: You can't have a break yet, we've just begun!

E: You know, you're a very domineering woman. I don't like that.

COT: What?

E: Don't be fresh with me. Do you want me to have you fired?

COT: *trembling* As I was asking, who are your favorite authors?

E: Do shut up, that's very dull. Ask me something good, you baboon.

COT: *shocked* Well, I never!

E: I don't want to hear about your teenage experimentation with narcotics. Just get on with the interview.

COT: *realizing resistance is futile* Oh, fine. Tell us something exciting that know one knows about you.

E: *giggling* Okay, I'll tell you a secret.

COT: *leans forward* What, what?

E: *belches loudly in her face* Haha! You fell for it, you dunce! You baboon! Here, want to pull my finger?

COT: *puts her head in her hands* Why me? Why?  

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 00:32:01

E: Because I'm Enya and you're NOT!

COT: Yes, and you ARE the richest woman in Ireland, aren't you?

E: Did you see that necklace I wore at the Oscars? I bought that with spare change!

COT: Were you disappointed that "May it Be" didn't win?

E: It didn't???

COT: No, actually, Randy Newman won.

E: I guess I was too busy making eyes at Bono.

COT: Oh yes, you live near each other, don't you?

E: Yes, and my place is bigger than his! And I have more cats - did I tell you I sleep with my cats?

COT: Yes, you did. You DO seem to be an eccentric person. Does having that reputation bother you at all?

E: The cats are really warm and fuzzy.

COT: Ok, how about telling us about your next project?

 

Reply author: sharpwhat
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 01:16:36

E: What project?

COT: Your next project?

E: I have another project?

COT: (annoyed) What are you doing next?

E: I'll be leaving here and...

COT: No - No - N0! Are you making another album, going on tour, what?

E: Oh...(gazes off in thought) I donít' know really, what would you suggest?

COT: (mumbling to herself) a rehab wouldn't hurt ya, hon!

E: Okay, how about I do jingles for those television ads, some big name musicians have done the same thing.

COT: What products would you like to see use your songs?  

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 01:27:05

E: Carnival Cruise Line could use Orinoco Flow, you know,sail away, sail away, sail away.. but, I suppose, that Kotex might be interested in it too.

COT: Oh, Enya, gross me out!

E: Maybe I could endorse kitty-litter..

COT: Into absorbents, are we?

E: But, you know, I'll tell you what I really, really want to do.

COT: What, for crying out loud?

E: Infiltrate the forum at enya.com.

COT: But why that?

E: It will drive all of those nuts absolutely crazy!!

COT: Which brings me to this question: do you surf the Internet?  

 

Reply author: sharpwhat
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 01:41:34

E: Oh heavens no! I don't have a board!

COT: NO, No! I meant using the Internet.

E: Inter..what?

COT: You know, computers, modems, mouse...

E: Oh, I hate mice, got 'em all over the dang castle you know.

COT: No, a mouse is on the computer...

E: (jumping up) WHERE! WHERE!

COT: (Shouting) CALM DOWN YOU NINNY! There's no mouse here.

E: But you said...

COT: Forget IT! Okay, just forget it!

E: (murmuring) I hate mice!

COT: Moving on, is there a future "Mr. Enya" in your life?

E: Who are you talking about, my father?

COT: No, do you have a romantic interest, you know a lover, someone to spend the rest of your life with?

E: Oh, can I lie?

COT: About what?

E: About what you just asked?

COT: What did I ask?

E: Oooooohhhhhh! Your funny, I see what your doing...

COT: No, I don't think you do.

E: Well, anyway to answer your question...  

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 01:51:29

E: The entire cast of Riverdance.

COT: What?

E: I DO have a big castle, you know; wait, I still see a mouse.

COT: I heard you once had a Spanish boyfriend?

E: Once I Had Gold, Once I Had Gallions

COT: How many gallons have you had today?

E: What time is it?

COT: Look, let's get down to important stuff. I've been told that you speak only Gaelic. Is that true?

E: Yes, I'm speaking Gaelic right now and your Universal Translator (StarTrek/TM) is making you think I'm speaking English.

COT: So, are you a science fiction fan?  

 

Reply author: sharpwhat
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 02:05:10

E: No silly, I'm a girl!

COT: Yes I know but do you like science fiction, your mentioned a translator.

E: Oh, the translator! Yes, well you see, when I speak Gaelic, your universal translator (Star Trek/TM) translates my speech into your language so you can understand me!

COT: Well mine must be broken because I haven't understood you all night long!

E: Oh, I'm sorry, it's all your head you know, you must have Scotty (Star Trek/TM) fix it.

COT: Your a Star Trek (TM) fan?

E: Oh no, I hate Ed McMahon!

COT: No, that's Star Search, you idiot!

E: Well of course silly, everyone knows that!

COT: I sorry, let's move on, again...

E: Where? I like it here.

COT: (sighing) I mean the next question.

E: Oh, fire away!

COT: What do you think of the millions of Enyaholics that follow your every move?

 

Reply author: kerrykait
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 02:40:15

E: Well, it's hard to walk down the narrow streets of Dublin with them all behind me like that.

COT: I'm speaking figuratively!

E: What, is there something wrong with my figure?

COT: No, just your head.

E: But I haven't had a head all day!

COT: Enya, please, what inspires your music?

E: Besides money?

COT: Why didn't I keep my job at Walmart?

E: I believe my music stems from the primordial depths of my despair at the course of the human species with its introspective tendencies towards the melancholic and serendipic.

COT: Yes. you ARE speaking Gaelic, I can hear it now!

E: Moreover, who really knows where the road goes, where the days flows? I think about such matters on my way home.

COT: Are the rumours true, the ones that say Nicky controls your life?  

 

Reply author: Princess Donegal
Replied on: 06 Apr 2002 03:22:36  

E: No, not really. He's very nice, actually. He lets me out for walks every third day and he slips some meat under the door along with the usual bread and water on Fridays.

COT: That's horrible.

E: No, it's very delicious.

COT: Do you have a favorite food?

E: Cat.

COT: *disgusted* Cat? I thought you liked cats.

E: *smiling innocently* I do. I like to eat them. I have one in my pocket. Would you like a piece? It tastes like chicken.

COT: Do they eat cats in Gweedore?

E: Maire had a pet donkey once, but I ate him.

COT: Oh goodness... You ate your sister's donkey?

E: Yes, but it wasn't very filling. Then I tried to eat Maire, but she ran into the house and told Mammy. Mammy yelled at me. I didn't like that very much.

COT: Oh heavens, please tell me you didn't try to eat your mother!

E: Now that's disturbing, do I seem like someone who is capable of that?

COT: Lady, you're a nutcase. Have you ever suffered any head trauma?